JULY 28 — We live in hard times. Hard times, indeed. What with the tanking economy and a political arena seemingly occupied by idiots[1] on one side and morons on the other. And we can add to that the uncertainty as to whether our children will be able to understand maths and science — in any language, the suitability of using RON95 for our Kancils (and who is this Ron guy, anyway?), and whether we can make enough trips on tolled roads to qualify for a discount.
Now, it seems that Shaitan and his cronies have decided to make their presence more obvious. Based on recent reports in the comics, we are quite bedevilled these days.
Earlier this year, a report was released of a survey conducted by 10 Universiti Malaya lecturers on 682 Muslim youths aged between 13 and 30. What the survey questions were, it was not said. However, the conclusion of the study was that the youths who show deep interest in “satanic metal” or heavy rock music have a tendency to believe in the power of the devil.
It was not mentioned what “satanic metal” or heavy rock bands these youths were listening to, but this pundit fervently hopes that the list does not include Metallica, Iron Maiden, Sepultura, Cradle of Filth, or even Rick Astley.
I’d be rather surprised, not to mention baffled, to know that I may have descended into polytheism, as warned by one of the lecturers. Especially since I don’t recall having an altar in my crib, nor have I sacrificed any chickens, goats, cats or other animals lately. Besides, I don’t know how to read entrails.
But you can never tell with the Iblis, he’s a wily snake. He makes you eat apples. Apples are evil, as any child knows.
See, the thing about Lucifer is that he doesn’t work alone. He’s got an army of djinns making our lives miserable. This is especially true for Malays. And not just here in Malaysia, mind you.
According to another report, the Professional Islamic Support and Nurture Group (PISANG)[2] in the United Kingdom asserted that 123 members of the Malaysian community there had been hit by witchcraft. And as anyone who had watched the movie “Jangan Pandang Belakang”[3] knows, witchcraft can only be executed with the help of the Fallen Angel or his cohorts, the djinns. Some of whom, I’m sure, are rather rummy.
Further, the report said that these bananas[4] had done a screening of 366 Malaysians and found 47 of them “infected” by the djinns. So concerned were they, that they had conducted 34 mobile clinics all over the UK to offer their services to purge these djinns from the poor possessed Malaysians. Most of whom, it must be said, were women.
Back on home ground, the Ministry of Health had decided to be more proactive in dealing with our Morning Star problem. Under the guidance of politicians I’m sure, the Ministry will soon be offering a 2 ½ year diploma course in Islamic Medical Practice under the aegis of its Traditional and Complementary Medicine (T&CM) Division. The aim of the course is to produce certified, registered (and possibly unemployed) practitioners to treat santau (a kind of deadly poison using black magic, i.e. witchcraft) and other spiritual problems.
And we’re going to need these people too! Because now, it has transpired that Beezlebub and his buds have become more blatant in their efforts to lead us astray.
On Sunday, a popular local (and quite metropolitan) comic carried a report saying that there were a couple of diabolical divorce cases recently.
Two women have filed for divorce, on grounds that their husbands have unusual sex drives which they believe were the results of witchcraft. In one of the cases, the lady complained that the husband had demanded sex from her more than 10 times a day. In fact, on their wedding night, she claimed that he ‘did’ her a total of 17 times. In other words, the husband got himself a haiku of love that night.
However, it turned out that this (envious, though dubious) achievement on the part of the husband may not have been entirely due to his own prowess. According to an expert in these matters, the man may have been “friendly with the devil”, and that the devil himself was actually the one having sex with the woman[5].
As already mentioned, he’s a bit of a wily (one-eyed) snake, is the devil.
And in these hard times, seems like he’s been helping himself to quite a jolly good rogering. It’s a devil’s life, indeed.
It’s a lucky thing that we’ve got people, especially politicians, who seem to look into this matter seriously.
Endnotes:
[1] This, I’m happy to note, is not a localised nor recent problem. In his biography, Mark Twain made one of his most astute observations regarding the American Congress, which goes: ‘Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But I repeat myself.’
[2] No, this time, I did not make that up. Look them up. They’ve got a website. http:// www.pisang.org.ok/
[3] Though the aforementioned UM lecturers also said that those who watch horror movies may also descend into devil-worship. It’s a Catch-22, really.
[4] It’s a little known fact that banana trees can only be propagated by transplanting part of their underground stems. In other words, almost all bananas are descended from the same original banana trees. Bananas are inbred. Which probably explains a lot.
[5] However, I must say that in my opinion, it’s not the wife who should be asking for the divorce, but the husband. On grounds of adultery. After all, his wife had been unfaithful, by sleeping with the devil.
Show/Hide comments
Show/Hide comment form
