OCT 18 – I’m not sure which is harder – being the toddler who is pushed around, ignored and bullied by older children, or being the parent who has to watch this happen.
In this instance I hope the Malay proverb ‘Berat mata memandang, lebih berat bahu memikul (However difficult it is for one to watch, it is harder for the one who shoulders the burden) does not hold true.
I am nervous even before Ishan and I hit the playground in the evenings. I worry he will feel left out. That he’ll be made to feel unworthy and unwanted.
My son, like most others, looks up to older children. He runs over when he sees a group playing together, laughs with them when they laugh, tries to catch the ball – all in vain when they ignore him.
My heart aches when his tiny hand is pushed away before he even touches another child’s bicycle – he is curious about the bell and tries to ring it, only to be refused over and over again.
He looks at me for a response and I churn out the same one every time: “If So-and-so says ‘No’ then you can’t touch it”. I’m not sure this is the right thing to say because he may not learn to ask for what he wants, nor stand up for himself.
Sometimes I can see how badly he wants to touch that bell so I step in and ask the older child if Ishan can have a try as Ishan cannot speak yet. The response is almost always a “No!”
Then what? If I’m lucky the other adult intervenes but even then, it is not easy to get a stubborn three-year-old to budge.
It is a rare and joyful sight to see when the older children allow him to play with them if only for a minute and it makes me want to give them all a big hug when I see the delight in his face.
So we head down to the playground/ battleground armed with an arsenal of toys. They serve a secondary purpose as Ishan’s play things; primary role as goods to bartered.
I know to do this because that’s what all the other children’s parents or helpers do. It works well to soothe a tearful situation and teaches the child the concept of sharing and exchanging toys.
“Do you want to play with Ishan’s tricycle? Exchange. Let him play with your bus,” is a well-used line.
With this little negotiation settled, I relax and watch my little one play happily until he sets his eyes on another conquest or someone else comes along to take the newfound prize away.
Striking a happy balance between doormat and bully is the ultimate goal. And I feel the best way is often to let the children sort themselves out unless someone is about to get hurt.
Yet when two children are fighting over a toy or a turn at the slide, I have been guilty of having intervened one time too many in the favour of the other child, admonishing my own. Right after, I want to kick myself.
Surely a mother should put her son’s interests first, especially when it was his right of way. But I suppose in the back of my mind I want us to fit in, for Ishan to be the child that everyone wants their child to play with.
So what is a mother to do? Stand by and let playground politics take its course? Let him fight his own battles, then take my wounded soldier aside and explain to him that not everyone knows to play nice?
When you figure this one out, let me know.
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