FEB 2 — I walked into the open hall and saw this black lumpy thing that looked like a Snicker’s bar that someone had trod on lying next to the stage. There were smears of what looked like chocolate around it as well as two safety cones, as if to protect it from being stepped on by the stampede of kids coming in from recess. A colleague who was standing nearby was telling the kids to walk away from the cones and not to step on the “chocolate.”

I walked nearer to it, trying to figure out what it was. It didn’t make sense that such a big fuss was made over a candy bar a kid must have had dropped. Somebody should just pick it up and throw it in the rubbish bin.

Then the smell hit me. It was terrible and I almost gagged. No wonder the kids walking into the hall were pinching their noses and making faces as if they were gagging. It was just so horrible!

So I asked my colleague what was going on.

A kid had pooped, he said.

That was truly an “oh my god” moment for me. These kinds of incident tend to happen with the younger kids so I wasn’t really surprised about it. But my amusement turned to horror when my colleague told me they didn’t know who had done it!

The teacher had walked in after recess and saw the lump of shit on the floor with its owner missing. None of the kids hanging around the area seemed to know anything. We then asked one of the kids to call the cleaner to get it cleaned up.

Our theory was that that poor kid must have wanted to desperately get to the toilet during recess. Since the toilet was on the opposite side of the building, he probably did not make it in time. The “bomb” was dropped near the stage and he then fled the scene.

The teachers were, of course, very concerned about this kid walking around in dirty pants. We had no idea if it was a girl or boy but we suspected it was one of the Year One kids.

So as usual, we had our assembly after recess to make sure all the kids were accounted for and in their correct classes. However, that day, the assembly, which was held at the school square due to special circumstances, was going to be a little longer than usual.

Another kid had come to us during recess to tell us his right shoe was missing. We couldn’t find it at the health room that he had gone to earlier and none of his classmates had found the missing shoe despite looking for it.

So now we had to find the owner of the “special Snicker’s bar” as well as this kid’s right shoe. Someone must have been wearing two right shoes and just did not know it.

We made a couple of announcements and told the kids if they had taken the wrong shoe to give it up and for the owner of the stool to see a teacher so we could get him cleaned up.

Nobody owned up of course. It is always difficult to find something in such a huge space. Not all the kids would be paying attention to our announcements so sometimes they just don’t know they have what we are looking for.

So that day saw us getting the kids to sit with their legs stretched out so we could look at their shoes to find the missing shoe. We walked up and down the rows, looking at their white shoes while sniffing the air trying to detect the soiled pants or skirt.

We thought we had a breakthrough when a teacher walking near 1Z kids, who were seated next to 1D kids, claimed he smelled something bad near them. So I asked the kids to stand up so I could take a look at the back of their pants and skirts to see if there were any marks on them. We found none.

The owner of the missing shoe was soon reunited with his shoe, so that was one mystery solved. We, however, still could not find the owner of the “special Snicker’s bar.”

Since it looked like it was going to rain, we decided to take the kids up to class. The class teachers had agreed to check each kid and see that the poor kid got cleaned up, if they did find him.

When the kids from 1D stood up and walked in front of us to get to their class, we were hit by this awful smell. A teacher exclaimed that maybe one of the kids from 1D had soiled his pants. We had smelled something funny when the 1D kids were sitting next to the 1Z kids but none of us had thought of checking the back of the 1D kids’ pants and skirts.

We tried calling the class teacher but she was already on the opposite side of the square and could not hear us calling. We figured she would be back though, and true enough, we soon saw her walking towards us.

Before we could tell her it was probably one of her kids, she told us she had found the poor kid. His pants were thoroughly soiled and smelled terrible because he didn’t clean it up after it happened.

My colleague and I then took the kid to the toilet and got him cleaned up while his class teacher went to get a pair of clean pants and shirt for him from the school office. Sometimes the kids would leave their T-shirts and track pants at school and never claim them even though we always have auction sessions during the assembly. So these clothes are then washed and kept at the office to be used for emergency cases like this.

I asked the kid how he ended up leaving “it” behind. He told me he had a very bad stomach ache and wanted to go to the toilet but didn’t make it in time so “it just fell.” He looked so ashamed and sad that I felt like hugging him, but I couldn’t because he was covered in poo!

A friend wondered how we could deal with such situations with such coolness. She said she could never do it and would probably get really angry with the poor kid. I once had the same thought as hers.

My mother was a kindergarten teacher for many years. I knew my job as a teacher would involve dealing with bodily fluids. Gross as they are, I have no choice but to deal with them when they happen. The smell, the texture, the cleaning up; yes, they are not very pleasant, but at the end of the day, why would I want to make the kids feel worse than they already do?

Working with children means your day will always be filled with surprises. Whether they are nasty or nice, we teachers take it in our stride and do what we can to keep the kids comfortable and safe. At the end of the day, such an incident will end up as an amusing tale to share with our family and friends so what is there to hate about it?

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.