AUG 1 — For this week’s column, there’s no shortage of original and serious topics to write about: the New Economic Model (NEM), revamp of education system, the double-dip recession, world geopolitical turmoil, world climate, corporate governance, Gulf of Mexico oil spill disaster, and Lindsay Lohan being sentenced to prison.

But I reckon enough brainpower nationwide is already engaged in thinking up solutions to all those sexy problems, so my contribution to humankind today is to analyse something rather more elementary but no doubt still very important: men’s room etiquette.

The washroom is a place for mankind to seek solace from the falseness of the world. It offers a respite from all the noise and insanity of modern life, a place where you can have some serious downtime with, urm, well, yourself. Being able to relax and let go at urinals can be life-affirming for men, for it offers evidence that middle age has not quite claimed them yet.

The men’s room may not be the most sanitary of places, but it is incumbent upon all men to keep the whole affair classy by respecting the codes and always observing proper men’s room etiquette. Unfortunately, our somewhat primal understanding of the social constructs related to this matter has often led us into committing unnecessary faux pas.

There’s a certain social grace and savoir-faire involved here, and it is the aim of this article to provide discerning readers [1] a brief guide on how to do it properly.

Respect the buffer

The goal is to always leave as much space as possible between yourself and fellow urinators (minimum one urinal space). Choosing which urinal to occupy is simple: always take the corners first, and picking the middle when the other urinals are empty is considered a cardinal sin of the highest order for it messes up with the yin-and-yang of things.

When it’s tight out there, use the stall or come back later. Never, ever stand next to a man at a urinal if you don’t absolutely have to, because you wouldn’t want to (a) make unintentional elbow contact or (b) catch a glimpse of your neighbour’s, urm, equipment. That will send the wrong signal to your fellow men and could lead to some pretty dire consequences.

No talking

This is probably the most important rule. Talking to other patrons in a men’s room is not allowed. Unless, of course, you’re from Michigan, in which case we can safely assume that you’re an idiot and you can pretty much do whatever you want.

Otherwise, you must cease all conversations upon engaging in the act of peeing. Don’t start discussing the collapse of the European stock market or start making knock-knock jokes with your fellow men. Don’t go chatting away with gay abandon when a polite nod of acknowledgment would suffice.[2] 

It is important to understand that talking is frowned upon because the men’s room is not Starbucks™  and the urinal is not your “third place.” [3] If you are doing your business there and your co-worker insists on engaging in a merry conversation, the only right thing to do is to put an abrupt halt to that dialogue with a stern, menacing “Dude!” [4]

This important rule of washroom engagement first came about in the 1960s in Great Britain,[5] although it was never properly ratified by the then-ruling Labour government. This important social development was immortalised by the pop duo act, Simon and Garfunkel, in their 1965 hit song, “Sounds of Silence.” When the record was first released, it was thought to be a song about longing and lost love but there is another theory, which is fast gaining acceptance, that it was actually inspired by the songwriter’s personal lavatorial encounter with an overly-friendly stranger in an undisclosed WC [6] in London.[7]

It is interesting to note that some Eastern European and Scandinavian cultures do allow their natives to converse when washing their hands at the sink, but that’s because their women are generally hot and don’t shave their armpits. Even then, conversations are limited to three words per person e.g. “Dude, what’s up?” or “Cold day, today” or “Sudah makan?” [8]

No mobile phones

The provisions of the no-talking rule also prohibit the use of mobile phones, as they often spoil the whole urinal experience for everyone.

If someone calls you, let it go to voice mail and call the person back later. No checking your sms or emails on the Blackberry™, no Internet browsing (you can’t wait a few minutes longer to read the damn news?), no updating your status or profile photos on Facebook™, and no harvesting stuff on Farmville. And please, no fiddling with the 20,000 iPhone applications that you downloaded during that long strategy meeting earlier that morning.

No sounds

Making sounds is also forbidden, and that means no grunting and heaving, no moaning, no whimpering, no sighing and certainly no sobbing. Basically, no sound of any kind is allowed.

Your job is to step to the plate and deliver the goods, if you get what I mean. Keep your mouth shut, and there must be no singing or funny Sinatra impersonation of “My Way.” Don’t go “Yes!” or “Yihaa!” or “Yippee!” or “Woohoo!” or anything equivalent unless, of course, you are being deliberately stupid.

And while you are at it, please don’t do the Superman/Iron Man thing where you stand at the urinal with both hands on your hips and puffed out chest.[9] Seriously, don’t.  

Look straight ahead

You are trying to pee, not attempting to cross a bus intersection. So there’s no need for the whole look-right-look-left thing. When at the urinal, focus on the job and nothing short of a disaster of Biblical proportions should distract you. Nothing good can come out of making direct eye contact with another man standing at the urinal except (a) severe battering of your ribs, (b) unwanted sexual encounter, or (c) some combination of the two.

Scrutinise the tiles. Memorise some complex thermodynamics equations.[10] Recite the Rukunegara. Mentally hatch a plan to invade an African nation. Think of all the players Liverpool Football Club wants to buy but can’t afford. It doesn’t really matter what you choose to do, as long as it allows you to keep looking straight ahead.

Don’t waste time

Don’t loiter once you’ve done your business. Trust me: this is not Borders, so there is nothing to browse. Donald Trump once wrote in his book, “The Art of the Deal” that the only way men should go about their business is this: get in, get it done, get it done right, get out.
The Donald was of course talking about closing multi-million real estate deals in the 80s, but his words still sound like good advice when it comes to everything else in life. Yes, including taking a leak. 

Wash your hands

I really shouldn’t need to explain this rule, although I know that there are enough men out there who are too lazy to spend 30 seconds to sanitise their hands and think it’s perfectly fine to dispense with this simple routine.[11] 

Now, I’m a guy, so obviously this article is written from a man’s point of view. I don’t know how it is with women and their rules of washroom engagement because (a) I am not one, and (b) I’ve never been crazy enough to even contemplate observing the process and the subtleties of women washroom dynamics.

All I know is, I’m curious [12] as to why in most office buildings and shopping complexes, the women’s washroom is the same size as the men’s room. Given the heavier traffic and longer queue, and knowing that women tend to spend proportionately longer time in the washroom compared to men, shouldn’t there be a complete re-think of this matter?

Someone should fight for this, and maybe pass a law or something to make it mandatory for women’s washrooms to be at least twice the size of men’s rooms. Anyone? [13] After all, women hold up half the sky [14] and all that. Any politician worth his ajinomoto™ should realise that women represent probably 40 per cent of voters, so maybe it’s something worthy to push through?

The thing is, washrooms for both genders often have the same numbers of stalls, but the men’s room benefit from having urinals. Effectively, men have double the facilities to handle the traffic, 80 per cent of which involves small jobs.[15] Assuming men and women exercise the same hygienic practices post-job, we can deduce that men’s toilets are able to handle double the throughput, halving the queue length, and therefore putting women at a distinct disadvantage when it comes to bladder management.[16] Surely you don’t have to be a mathematical wizard with an intimate knowledge of the Queueing Theory to agree that this should be taken into account in the area/layout design?

Washrooms often serve a different and extended social purpose for women. They want to powder themselves (can’t blame them for wanting to look/smell/taste good) and end up hogging the sink area for hours while they do their make-up and compare notes about anything and everything. This translates into longer turnaround time, so wouldn’t a separate powder area (i.e. bigger washroom area) help?

Shouldn’t women’s washrooms be bigger given that women are the ones who normally have to deal with the babies (who need changing) and kids (not all are toilet-trained)? [17]

Of course, there’s the small matter of women being built the way they are. Men can just zip down, do the business and zip up. Women don’t want to hang around in the loo longer than necessary but the process is just a tad more complicated for them. They have layers – tuck out shirt, undo belt, deal with undies, wash, wipe, etc. and repeat. Wouldn’t a slightly bigger space help?

Discuss. [18]

Notes:

[1] That would be you, boys and girls.

[2] We are not women, so there is not need to pretend to be one.

[3] The idea of social surroundings separate from social environments of home and the workplace in “The Great Good Place” by Ray Oldenburg. Less academically pompous readers can opt for Howard Schultz’s “Pour Your Heart Into It” to see how the concept is used in Starbucks’ marketing plan.

[4] If I become the prime minister of Malaysia, one of my first priorities would be to introduce appropriate punitive laws to deal with idiots who insist on having lengthy, philosophical conversations within the confines of the men’s room.

[5] Obviously, I am just making this whole paragraph up.

[6] The opening line “Hello darkness, my old friend” may have referred to the general lack of proper lighting in men’s room in those days.

[7] When it was actually Swinging London.

[8] That is actually two words, but you get what I mean.

[9] What the hell is wrong with you?

[10] Thermodynamic potentials, Eular integrals, Gibbs-Duhem relationship, Maxwell relations, Material properties. Anything to keep your eyes from wandering, really.

[11] You animals!

[12] Definitely in a non-pervert way, I can assure you.

[13] Sisters in Islam, maybe? Now, this is one inoffensive cause they can take up.

[14] Mao Tse-Tung (Chinese statesman, 1893-1976).

[15] Using Pareto rule.

[16] QED.

[17] This may sound like blatant stereotyping here, but it’s quite true in the real world.

[18] I need to go to the washroom now.

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.