JUNE 23 — People say a lot of good stuff about the World Cup. For instance, there’s a lot out there on how the World Cup brings people together. If you don’t believe me, just Google “stuff on how the World Cup brings people together.”

Anyway one of the things they say is that the World Cup is the flying spaghetti monster’s gift to man because while people in different countries may have their differences, they all come together once every four years to watch the World Cup. 

The media interviews people every time the World Cup pokes its head around the corner and it is always the same crappy responses from a bunch of people who are either really excited about it or indifferent towards it. There are hardly any negative responses. 

Does that mean that the World Cup can do no harm and we should count our blessings instead of writing hate articles against it? Of course not, and I’ll tell you why. 

Whenever the World Cup comes around, televisions in public places will show nothing other than World Cup matches or a talking head going on about the World Cup. This is all well and good if you love football/the World Cup. But what about people who don’t? 

The irregular cheering patterns are not only annoying but also hazardous to the health of those just trying to have a meal at an eatery. Statistics from Hungary have shown that 2 in 3 people choke to death while eating because of unexpected cheering from people around them during World Cup season. This is extremely worrying and the 2010 World Cup will no doubt claim the lives of many more. 

People who aren’t into football are affected in more ways than one. Over the next few weeks, most if not all small talk will revolve around this team or that team’s chances. If you haven’t got anything to contribute, you will be excluded from the cool clique at the office and want to go home and commit suicide. 

“If you can’t beat ‘em, join ‘em!” is what the usual response to this is, and it is a very silly response indeed. Can you imagine if we had a growing population of paedophiles saying that? Actually, at the rate we’re going, we won’t have very long to wait.

Aside from all that, now that we have discovered (from a recent “Tokoh Nilam” award winner) that the secret to a successful marriage and career is lots of sex and stimulating intellectual conversation on a daily basis, we can see how the World Cup will wreck the economy and your marriage. Allow me to elucidate:

Pre-World Cup

Wife: Darling, did you know that Freud was an early user and proponent of cocaine as a stimulant as well as analgesic?

Husband: Wow, that’s fascinating. Now let’s get you out of that Freudian slip ha ha!

During World Cup

Wife: Darling, apparently the people in Denmark are the happiest in the world. Let’s get it on.

Husband: No dear, the match is on later, so you’ll have to wait till the end of the month.

On a slightly more serious note, the World Cup is something governments around the world count on every four years to create a convenient distraction from more important issues affecting the country. 

Take our own country, for example. Is it sheer coincidence that real issues such as the 10th Malaysia Plan and buildings that cost 800 million ringgit have arisen while Malaysians are either too focussed on the World Cup or committing suicide as a result of not being focussed on the World Cup? I think not, and I think we can expect more shocking news in the weeks to come. 

Of course, the reason it only comes around every four years is because you will need that amount of time to get the World Cup Theme Tune (WCTT) out of your head. 

Everyone knows that the only way to get a WCTT out of your head is to sing another WCTT. It is an almost never-ending exercise, made worse only by the WCTT being played non-stop day in and day out during World Cup season. And so it makes perfect sense why they need to give people four whole years to recover from it, otherwise everybody would go insane and the world would come to an end. 

The above reasons clearly illustrate why the World Cup is evil, and why you should pay no attention to it at all. If you are a football fan, you may want to stop being one. In fact, the more I think about it, the only thing that needs to “Go Go Go” is the bloody World Cup.

* The views expressed here are the personal opinion of the columnist.