JUNE 4 — It’s a bit hard to think straight when you’re far away in a kampung in Sarawak, and you’re trying to make sense of the Keep Your Husbands Sexually Satisfied Club on your Blackberry. When the signal drops, the news hangs, so you’re darting from one end of the house you’re staying in to the other, amidst gondangs and priestesses singing to the gods.
When you get back to Kuching, you read the news, and all the emails sent by friends, both men and women, single and married, angered and flabbergasted that such a club could be launched. Again we are famous for the wrong reasons!
Siti Maznah Abdul Taufik said that “... husbands would not visit prostitutes if wives gave them a satisfying sex life. Wives should welcome them with sexy clothes and alluring smiles in the privacy of their homes.” On whether it was the wife’s fault if she was abused, Siti Maznah replied: “Yes, most probably because she didn’t listen to her husband.”
We forgot to ask the one perennial question: what about men satisfying their wives or partners?
Now, let me say that not all men are duds when it comes to bedroom skills, but there are some who just don’t know how to push women’s buttons. They view a woman’s body like those ancient television boxes. They fiddle and diddle with the switches but nada. On-off, on-off. Ada kilat petir, terus padam.
Or as a male friend observed: “(They) Fiddle fiddle, no programme, keluar gambar kain pelikat atas screen, guna wire hanger buat jadi antenna.” But still no signal!
I remember when we were in our twenties. We thought ourselves cool and worldly because we listened to live bands at Hard Rock Cafe. Ahem. When short guys approached us for a dance or number, we waved them away. When we saw our crushes, we became these simpering village girls hiding behind our handbags. But we maintained our cool. Kita ada gaya. Mutu. Keunggulan!
So when one of the gang, who is now a mother and a very successful corporate figure, asked us this, we were flummoxed. Ha?
“Eh,” she asked. “Why ah, men like to do the Washing Machine Position a lot?’’
We stared at our uber cool friend. Whaa?
“You know la, when they’re in you, they move round and round you like a washing machine. Dia ingat aku ni dhobi ke?
One of us volunteered tentatively, “Dunno. I still virgin mah.”
Look, we’re all adults here. This is what we women talk about, single or married. Yes, men’s performance skills. The Jackhammer la, the Tarzan la, the Vanilla la, the Mr Must Have Black Socks On. Of stories of husbands who try gambir Sarawak and in the end ending up with penile cramps while the wives flap towels at their nether regions so they’d deflate. Sorang lagi, suka sangat role-play jadi Batman. Aiyo I tell you, the stories we women can tell!
Here’s the thing: it’s not quantity, but quality. The number of women a man may have slept with may not mean he knows how to fiddle with the switch .A man can have four wives but if he thinks her armpit is the passage to heaven, he’s pretty much useless. Both sexes must read medical journals and books on intimacy to understand which buttons to push.
I have an older friend who knows all the tricks to keep a man happy. But her husband still visits sex workers. While she performs acrobats at home, he visits women of the night (and day) for basic sex. Go figure.
At the end of the day, a marriage is not just about sex. It is about love, respect and a commitment to stick by each other through thick and thin.
One can rail against Siti Maznah’s prehistoric ideas of marriage. But that is her world, and this world is a small one, and I really don’t think it’s going to break the bank. It will give the wrong perception of Islam and Muslim women, but this is hardly a PR disaster on the same scale as Fahmi Fadzil’s 100 Apologetic Tweets to BluInc.
On that note, google TracEycox.com. She is a sex guru who’ll teach you which punat to turn on!
* Dina Zaman is searching for Holy Men, Holy Women and occasionally punches holes in some arguments.
* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication. The Malaysian Insider does not endorse the view unless specified.