FEB 10 — Every year around Valentine’s, Thai officials get their conservative granny panties in a twist when they remember that some people might actually be using the so-called “Day of Love” to do far kinkier things with their panties.

Their horror is completely justified; I mean, how dare decent Thais view February 14 as a date to superficially honour romance, when they should be throwing a party to celebrate the fact that Makha Bucha Day is only about three weeks away! After all, I don’t remember Buddha’s teachings ever saying anything about reaching enlightenment by pretending to act surprised when the flowers you ordered for yourself arrive.

Poll shows polls are 150 per cent accurate

Why are the Staunch Thai Upholders of a Pure Innocent Disciplined Society (S.T.U.P.I.D.S for short) so worried about our moral demise on this Hallmark holiday? Because the S.T.U.P.I.D.S believe that every single Thai will be rushing out to... wait for it... have sex! Heavens to Betsy, and here I thought sex only happens if you have enough money to pay for it. The media annually regurgitates the message that young Thais use V-Day as an excuse to hump, never mind that socially awkward Moo with the bad breath hasn’t been able to get a date since pimples began growing on his acne.

Just look at survey results from 2007: One-third of teenage girls said they were willing to have sex on Valentine’s Day if their boyfriends asked, according to an Assumption University Poll. One-third! That’s basically equivalent to every single person! However, last year an Abac Poll found that 70.4 per cent of youths didn’t view February 14 as an excuse to boink, and 60 per cent didn’t think the day was special.

Disregarding that it’s probably pointless to conduct these kinds of polls (does anyone think kids are honestly going to answer questions about sex?), the S.T.U.P.I.D.S multiply these foolproof statistics with the exponential power of sweeping generalisations, and spend one day a year worrying that hormone-raging teens will be learning how babies are made.

Here comes the PDA police

You might recall that Thailand has the second highest rate of teenage pregnancy within the 15-19 age group; obviously all these babies were conceived on V-Day and that’s more reason to only crack down on fornicatin’ freaks one day of the year instead of offering long-term solutions like comprehensive sex education. Sensational news reports in the past have warned that police officers (also part of the S.T.U.P.I.D.S) would be out in full-force monitoring malls, cinemas, parks, restaurants and other entertainment venues in case the crazy youth should dare to show affection.

In 2007, a 10pm curfew was enforced on February 14 so kids wouldn’t be out doing horrible things like standing too close to each other or breathing the same air. In 2008, a public campaign to ensure good behaviour involved turning on all lights at public parks because apparently bad things only happen in the dark. Cops also spend Valentine’s Day busting in on short-time motels in the hopes of catching consenting couples doing far more titillating things than eating stale peanuts from the minibar. Although I’m not sure how having a bunch of men breaking in to a hotel room will stop people from having sex, perhaps it helps to spice things up to have an audience watching.

Banning over boning

Why even bother attempting to solve the wickedness February 14 brings when we could just choose banning over boning? That’s what the S.T.U.P.I.D.S tried to do back in February 1986, when they prohibited observations of Valentine’s Day in schools “because the holiday has no roots in Thai culture and has created improper habits among young people”.

Ensuring that no one should succumb to these devilish “improper habits”, the AP report quoted a culture minister saying “many young people bought expensive presents for loved ones, which is counter to government policy of instilling a sense of austerity in the people.” As you can see that strategy has worked extremely well, given that we Thais spend all our time reading books, hanging out at museums, and living off one grain of rice a day.

So beware of cupid’s poisonous arrow this Valentine’s Day. But if any of you feel strange urges, don’t worry; the S.T.U.P.I.D.S will always be around to protect you from indecency. — Bangkok Post

* This is the personal opinion of the writer or publication. The Malaysian Insider does not endorse the view unless specified.